Grieving Mommy

Attitude Adjustment

2010-11-03T19:14:00.000-07:00

So I am not perfect! I have still been a little bit down here lately. Halloween of all Holidays was hard, go figure. Any way, so even after posting I was going to regroup and get a grip, I will admit it only lasted a day or two and I have been in a horrible mood all week.

Today I was listening to a guy talk about "21 Keys to Success" and he said something that was common sense and yet brilliant. He asked "What is your goal?" and "Are you taking steps towards that goal?" My answer is a big fat "NO!" The truth is I have been idling far to long, and so today I am taking my first couple of steps towards my goal. The goal is to Write. The steps I am taking to get there are really simple. The first step I took about 4 hours ago when I blocked all of the time wasting games I was playing on facebook and the second I am taking now by writing this blog...woohoo!

I also spent some good time in silence today pondering what I wanted to achieve with myself and am still pondering it. Needing some direction. It'll come it always will!

Happy Birthday Rebecca!

2010-10-24T12:43:00.000-07:00

Those who have experienced a devastating loss know that at any time the littlest thing can prick your wound and make you bleed more grief. It could be a conversation, comment, or just something you see, any of which will trigger a memory and send you in a tail spin back into a pit of despair.

For me it was an over heard conversation. This past Thursday, I was standing in the kitchen, at my office, fixing a cup of coffee and minding my own business, when all of a sudden I over heard a conversation that sent me on that emotional roller coaster ride that I hate so much. Two mom's were in the lobby discussing their soon to be two year olds (for those who do not know, Rebecca was close to two when she died). One of the mom's commented that her daughter was turning two in a week. Then all of a sudden I remembered, Rebecca! Her birthday is next week! Quickly I did the math in my head and reminded myself she would be eight this year! Wow, I could not imagine her that big, she will always be that little toddler to me.

The days leading up to a landmark are always harder then the actual day. So here I am two days until her birthday and for two days I have just wanted to sit in my home and do nothing. I have spent these days escaping from reality by busying myself in this game and that, and fighting with with my husband Eric over not wanting to get out of the house. Finally, last night I had to ask myself "What is wrong with you? Are you depressed?" And the answer to that is yes, yes I am. The thought that I am missing out on a my Daughters 8th Birthday, really did me in this year.

Solution? Admitting I'm depressed is the first step to recovery. The second is getting myself back on track. Forcing myself back into reality by making myself clean or do what ever I need to do to get me back up and moving.
The most important part of the grieving process is moving on and continuing with life rather than wallowing in the grief of your loss. You have to ask yourself, what good are you doing yourself, or anyone else for that matter, when you are just sitting there being depressed and doing nothing. You must press on.

I will always have those moments of despair and depression, but what makes a difference is how I handle them and what I do after I realize that I am depressed.

So that being said, I just want to say: "Happy Birthday Rebecca! I miss and love you!"

There is nothing wrong with remembering, as long as you are moving forward.

Know Your Purpose!

2010-03-14T12:19:00.000-07:00

Did you know that the divorce rate for those who have lost a child is 75%? Or at least I was told that a couple of weeks after Rebecca died. Personally I think it is much higher than that because I remember our marriage hit a VERY rocky path that lasted about a year or two after the loss of our child. I remember during those two years looking the paper for places to rent and moving out of our bedroom to the spare bedroom once. Keep in mind that Eric was a full time children's pastor and we had to keep up the appearance that all was well. It was scary how close Eric and I came to divorce. So what kept us going? How did we make it through this?

Well lots of things kept us going, but the biggest one was we knew our purpose. Before Eric and I got married our pastor at the time prayed over us and he held our hands together and bound us together. From that moment on Eric and I were one, even before the fancy ceremony we had that connection and bond. I knew in my heart that God had a purpose for us TOGETHER as a TEAM.

After those intense arguments, when I wanted to leave and run away, that purpose is what kept me going. It made me hang on to my marriage and fight for it. I knew if we did not make it work it would not only effect us but also all of the people our ministry and testimony would touch. If we did work it out, we would not be the people we are today and we would not have built a great children's program at Southaven Church of God, and we would not be working together with B-A-Light. Because we stuck it out and made it work, we are closer today than we have ever been, and I can honestly say I love him more today than I did a couple of years ago.

When life gets tough always remember who you are and what you are here on this Earth for. Stay focused on that and God will see you through it...I promise you. He does not give you dreams and purposes to just dangle them over your head and tease you with them. He gives them to you to be fulfilled.

Do not allow your circumstances keep you from the dream and purpose God has set before you.

Why?

2010-02-04T10:53:00.000-08:00

This question has been thought by so many people. "Why?"
After the loss of a child we tend to direct that question toward God..."Why did you let this happen to me? I trusted You! Don't you love me?"
This was my thought pattern for a couple of years after Rebecca's death.
Why? Why did she have to die the way she did, leaving us to be questioned and scrutinized? Why couldn't it have just been a simple little accident? Why does life have to be so hard for me? Why Why Why Why Why?

Lot's of questions but no answers. You know I don't think God minds us asking Why, I know He knows we are wondering. And as hard as this is going to sound, let me say this. You may never know why. Don't let the question "why" become a stumbling block for you. In order to find true Peace and Comfort, you have to turn your situation around and use it to help someone else, and you must do that by leaving that question behind and moving forward. I like to think that God allowed Rebecca's Death to happen so that I can help other's who have lost their child. While yes that is a very good thing, let's look at the source of the problem. Why bad things happen to good people.

Let's go back to the very beginning. Adam and Eve and the Fall of Man. Do you remember what happened? I had an epiphany about it the other day, when a friend told me that God was being difficult...and that comment just took me aback...I did not know what to say to her. But God shared with me something and I want you to pay attention and listen. God is never difficult. His perfect plan from the beginning was for us to know only good and spend a lifetime with Him. Now here's what happened. God asked them not to eat from the tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, but out of curiosity and the seduction of Satan, they succumbed to the temptation and ate from the tree. Now the tree was called the KNOWLEDGE of Good and Evil. The epiphany that I had was that in order to have knowledge of something you must first experience it. So what they opened up for us was the experience of Evil things in our life. So because of that we will ALL experience some really bad times, but we will also have some really good times.

The thing is, we can not let the Bad times completely defeat and destroy us and the life that we have. That was one thing I kept saying after the loss of Rebecca, "I will not be defeated by this, and neither will I let this defeat the future God has for me and Eric."

The Bible says that Satan prowls around like a roaring lion seeking who he may devour (or destroy). That is why we face bad times. There is an unseen enemy that is set on destroying us and future God has for you.

So I will end with this question. Will you allow the enemy to destroy you or will you fight against him and stand strong knowing that your God will be your strength and your shield. And will you take it a step further and allow God to use your dark moment to help someone else. Those are the questions that truly matter...not question Why.

Amazing Grace

2010-01-31T12:48:00.001-08:00

I thought I was going to write about something else next, but I felt this subject was appropriate to follow my story, because it is kind of a continuation. When Rebecca was an infant, I would sing to her Amazing Grace as I rocked her to sleep most nights. Oh those were some precious moments. When I held her for the last time in ICU, I sang her lullaby to her one last time.

From that day on, singing that song brought nothing but pain and sorrow. The first time I heard it after her death, I remember having to leave out of the sanctuary because I was crying so hard. Not long after that I heard Chris Tomlin's version of that song. He added the Chorus:

My Chains are Gone
I've been set Free
My God my Savior
Has Ransomed me
and Like a Flood
His Mercy Rains
Unending Love Amazing Grace

That chorus turned it into a song of hope. Hope for Freedom from this Grief and Guilt. Freedom that only the Grace of God can give.

That is the whole purpose of God's Grace. To forgive you, no matter what you have done. To accept you as His Child no matter how wretched you feel. And my favorite...to Free those who need Freeing from the bonds that hold them captive. It was never His intention for us to be a slave or live in a pit of despair. He wants us all Free. The word Free brings up all kinds of feelings in me...a longing and craving for it.

Well, let me tell you how Awesome My God is. He transformed that song, from the lullaby that brings tears to my eyes, to a song that brings hope for freedom...and today, as I listed to it now, it has become a Declaration of Freedom. My Chains are Gone and I have been set free from the Grief and Guilt that I have felt for so long. Sharing my story has done more for ME than I dreamed it would.

My Story (Part 3)

2010-01-31T12:19:00.001-08:00

It wasn’t until two years after her death that I finally told Eric how I felt. I was so scared of telling him, and felt the exact way I feel now typing it. Like I am about to shake out of my body and my chest is about to explode. I was so scared that he would hate me and judge me. But he didn’t. He just held me as I wept and said, “I saw you play with her that day, you did not do anything to hurt her. All you did was love her. You were a good mom.”…and the relief I felt afterword was so FREEING.
But even with his comforting words, I still felt guilt for her death, and Satan still brings it up and tells me I am a murderer. I beg God every time to forgive me, please save me from this guilt. Through my husband's words I realized, it is not God who needs to forgive me, but myself.

Today I was thinking about another child’s death that happened about the same time as Rebecca’s. A youth pastor in the area forgot he had his baby in the car with him and went to work. The baby was left in the car and died. How do you live with yourself after that? The child that you brought into the world that you want to protect, you unintentionally do something to harm them. I realized, regardless of what did or did not happen it was an accident. Did he intentionally leave his child in the car to die? NO! Whether it was my fault or not, did I intentionally set out that day to say “I am going to do something to Becca today that will kill her.” NO! So why am I so eaten up inside over it. Guilt is like a cancer. If you do not admit to it and talk about it and let it out, it will eat away at your soul and make you sick. Don’t fight it. As I said before, I have been doing a study written by Beth Moore, and she was talking about refining. How God allows us to go through fiery trials so that we can be purified. The things we hold deep down inside that we do not want anyone to see always seems to force itself to the surface so that it can be removed by the refiner…God. God wants to remove all of the things in your life that is keeping you from having a more intimate relationship with Him.

God’s purpose for our life is not live in Guilt and Condemnation. He wants only the best for his Children. And that is what we are HIS Children. No matter what you have done to cause you to feel guilty, God still loves you and he is waiting for you with open arms ready to forgive you and use the pain and suffering that you have endured to help bring someone else to Him.

So that is what I am doing. I am allowing God to remove this Heart ache and Anxiety and posting this where all can see. I was a mother who once thought she was a good mom until she let her daughter down in the worst possible way. Though I know the thought that I was a bad mom is a lie from the pit of hell, it is still a thought that has been real for me for 6 years. It is now time to lay it aside, give it to God and allow him to heal that part of me. The part that I have left buried deep in the darkest place of my heart. Now it is in the Light for the world to see; the one place that it has to be in order to be dealt with. Just like a box of junk in the back of your closet that you don’t want to go through but you are tired of dealing with it. You have to take it out of the closet in order to deal with it and be rid of it.

My Story (Part 2)

2010-01-27T06:14:00.000-08:00

The rest is a blur. Eric immediately, raced for the phone and dialed 911. The five minutes it took the ambulance to get there seemed like an eternity. The paramedics wasted no time, scooping her up and rushing her to the hospital. I remember the numbness and helplessness I felt as I rode with her in the ambulance. Once they got her stable they transported her by life flight to the children’s hospital. At that point it all went downhill. When we arrived we were told that she had severe swelling and pressure on the brain and this was causing the brain not to get any oxygen and this was causing her to lose brain function. By the time she made it to the hospital she had lost almost all of her brain function, and was slowly loosing what little was left. Our very bright little girl was now brain dead. They brought in specialists and social workers, and then told us that her injury did not match our story. They did not see any old damage from the fall earlier in the week. So they told us that they had no choice but to contact the authorities and investigate her injuries and death. We were very lucky to have the opportunity to hold her one last time before they sent her into surgery for the organ donations. Because she was going to the medical examiner, as part of a criminal investigation, they did not normally allow parents to hold their child one last time. Nor would they give us the little things normal grieving parents had, like hand prints or foot prints. The only things I left with, was a lock of her hair and her blanket. After we said our good byes we all (me, Eric, Mom and Dad) had to meet with a detective one at a time and tell of that Saturday, every detail of it.

Two months later we got a call from the detective assigned to the case. The autopsy was back. The medical examiner said he wasn’t positive but he thought it was shaken baby syndrome. There were no bruises on her body to back it up, but the blood that was on the brain was in the right spot to lead him to believe that. This caused a whole new line of questioning. Another meeting with the detectives, one with me and one with Eric asking us both to relive that Saturday for them, every detail. A few months later they had me come in for more questioning. At that point I was seriously considering a lawyer just because of all this was doing to me. I lived in fear for nine months. Every time a police car would drive up at work it would send me into a panic attack for fear that they were coming to get me. After nine months of fear it finally went away and that fear eased.

So here is the part that I always omit when I tell others my story. A part of me is afraid that I got a little too rough with her that day and took our playing too far. Did I kill my daughter? They say they did not think it was the fall that killed her, that we did something to her…did I? It is such a mystery that I will never know for sure. I want to believe that it was the fall, but I wonder if it was a combination of it all…

To Be Continued...

My Story (Part 1)

2010-01-23T19:46:00.000-08:00

I am about to write about something that is very difficult for me to write about. In fact the thought of writing about this sends me into a panic attack. It is a subject that I have been avoiding for almost six years. It is about the guilt I feel surrounding my daughter, Rebecca’s, death. So why am I writing about it? Refining. I have been doing a study called “Breaking Free” by Beth Moore, and she has been talking about refining and the trials that we go through. She said self protection is the stumbling block for not fulfilling your calling. And that is exactly what I do when I tell of my daughter’s death. “How did she die?” That question brings an earth shattering fear in the pit of my stomach. Fear of Judgement and Rejection.

There is a small mystery to her death. I am not completely sure what happened except for a series of very unfortunate events. It all started on a Sunday night. She was playing in the parking lot at the front of the church. She ran toward another child who was being swung in the air by a young adult and was knocked off of her feet. Though I did not see it personally, I knew that she had hit the pavement very hard, and those who saw it say that she bounced. There was no goose egg (I know now that is a bad sign) but she seemed fine. No throwing up, no sleepiness, nothing.

Later that week (Wednesday afternoon), we were at the church waiting out the couple of hours before church began. She seemed fussy, I remember she acted like she needed a nap and I knew she had been battling an ear infection, so I laid her down and tried to make her take a nap. But she would not lay down, she just stood there and cried. So, I picked her up and took her back to where Eric and I were. I remember she acted almost as if her head was bothering her…almost like she had a bad sinus headache and it hurt to move it. The next day though, Rebecca was fine. By this point, I had forgotten about the fall earlier in the week and I did not put the two together. We also did not have any health insurance at the time so we did not go running to the doctor either (reason # 1 for my guilt).

So that brings us to Saturday. Everything was going as normal. We were expecting a visit from my parents and were busy cleaning and preparing for their visit. They arrived that afternoon and Rebecca had to warm up to them which was a little unusual, but it did not take her long. I remember my mom and dad lying down to take a nap after their long 7 hour drive and they closed the door so they would not be disturbed. Rebecca was not quite two and just starting to talk a little. I remember her standing at the guest room door, with her hand on it, and I told her to say “Please” and she said “Peeeeasss.” Tired or not how do you resist that? My mom could not resist letting her in there. A few minutes later I heard it. She was playing on the bed with my mom and dad, and she fell. The fall shook the apartment. I ran into check on her and she was crying. When she saw me she reached for me and I took her into my arms and held her and kissed her. But she would not be comforted. She started pushing me away and I stood her next to me and she continued to throw what appeared to be a fit. Then she lost consciousness and that is when we realized she was having a seizure.